It's been a difficult road and we are working through things. Things came to a head 2 weeks ago when Mark exploded and became physically abusive. I took pictures of myself as evidence. I was going to run with our girls and go to California where a good friend of mine lives. The only reason I didn't go was because we were afraid of me being charged with kidnapping if I fled without my husband's consent. The law gets very sticky with things like that. I didn't go to a shelter because I really thought I was going to California and when things fell through, I ended up staying here. I didn't want Mark to know at the time ho upset I felt. I wanted him to think everything was normal. I had planned on escaping when I got my first chance. I had planned on just disappearing altogether......God....had different plans.
I finally confided in my shepherding group leader about what had happened and we ended up seeing our pastor. Things were rocky all along until this past Monday. God had been using Scripture, memorizing the Word, an going through a Bible study called, "I want to change, so help me, God" by James McDonald. All of it has really helped me... Point is.... God is doing a work in my heart and I know He is working in Mark too. I want to stop making excuses for my own behavior by blaming it on Mark, my past or anything else. My anger, bitterness and blame shifting have to go. Time for me to take that trash out to the garbage and let God burn it up.
I told Mark that I was working through the process of forgiveness, that it all takes time, but I DO forgive him. I told him I loved him and that I am committed to helping him work through things with him. I said that my sin was no worse and that I was a dirty, rotten sinner who needed God to come in and change me. The fact of the matter is we're all a bunch of messed up people who need Jesus to come in and do a work of transformation, healing, and restoration to bring glory to Himself. All of our sins are equal in His sight. I am just as bad with all my other sins that I struggle with. King David lusted, committed adultery, lied, plotted and murdered a man. Paul murdered thousands of Christians. Abraham lied several times about his wife and gave her over to be used sexually by another. Moses let his anger get the best of him and he murdered a man. I am not condoning Mark's actions, but merely saying that praise God, He is the God of second chances who heals the brokenhearted and sets the captives free and I know He is able to do that for Mark and I. I gladly count my life as loss that I might come to know the glory of the cross. Please pray with me that I will do just that........to know the glory of the cross. I am broken, but that's exactly where I need to be....God knows.
Mark seemed to really make a turn around this past Monday night. He said how sorry he was for causing so much pain to me. The next day it almost looked like the dark cloud lifted and he was able to walk again. He started helping me with things at home, wrote me a sweet note, and gave me a card the next day. He brought me home a t-shirt from a concert he went to on Thursday and he does seem much happier. I really made over the notes that he left me and I told him how much it meant to me that he was being nice to me these past couple of days. I told him I could see he was really making an effort. It really has made a huge difference for me too.
We've had so much on our plates over here and I pray that God will give us His grace and strength to run continually to Him and not lose hope. Running this marathon is a long haul, but I know in the end it is worth it all.
I must keep at it because God is worth it! Thank you for your prayers and for checking in on us. The prayers are what move mountains. You can never pray too much! =)
Thank you
Pamela
But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26
Blessings,
Andrew
